Cranking my Anxiety

I wish I could get this tattooed across my brain.

via Pinterest

Let’s start off with defining some key terms. Pay attention now, there’s going to be a pop quiz later.

Cranking my anxiety v. The act of or initiation of additional anxiety or stressful situations that superceeds any rational thoughts and feelings. Think of a kickstart motorized bicycle.

My counselor told me to journal anytime I feel this way, so here goes.

Part of learning how to make myself a generally healthy person is that I see a shrink once a week through my school counseling center. Boy are we going to have a lot to talk about today.

It’s only 10:00 in the morning, and already my anxiety is through the roof. All of the things that are triggers for me are things that to normal people, with normal thought processes, are just life. To my anxiety, it’s like someone put me on a treadmill after injecting coffee in my veins.

To start off with, remember that paper-pushy job  I told you about? Well, turns out I misinterpreted an email and started rescheduling appointments. Turns out, the coworker whose appointments I’ve been rescheduling has already done so and I got my dates mixed up. I haven’t gone into the office yet (merely emailed my boss my mistake), so I have no idea what kind of turmoil I’ve caused in the office today already. That was at 7:00 this morning.

Second, I just got out of my American Lit class with my favorite professor. Normally, this isn’t cause for duress, but this time (due to my professor winning an award) we had a film crew in the class.

Despite being really good at English and school, I have this irrational fear of being that guy. Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s that kid, not necessarily the teacher’s pet, who always thinks he (or she, because there are she “that guys”) is right or that what they have to say is worth everyone listening to it.

I already feel like the actual teacher’s pet in this class anyway, so it doesn’t make it any better whenever a film crew is singling me out as “Target #1”. And, to top it all off, I had performance anxiety. In between not being able to say anything at all, I also got all the questions I tried to take a stab at wrong. Of course, now it is going to be documented that I am a huge dumb ass. At the same time, I was afraid of saying anything at all, any extra insights that I normally would have come up with, becasue I didn’t want to look like I was showing off or anything.

I need to lift so badly right now. I need to squat some really heavy weights and just not care about anyone right now. Not even care about me. Just take a vacation out of my own head.

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2 Comments

Filed under American Literature, English, Mental Health

2 responses to “Cranking my Anxiety

  1. Hey Books – I know exactly what you’re going through. I used to have massive anxiety problems (that interestingly enough, also manifested itself in brutal eating disorders) and it’s still a work in progress to keep this in check.

    I also know exactly what you mean about being “that guy” – being an insane keener and someone who loves learning, I was always asking questions/contributing to the point where I got nervous about doing so. In the end I figured I just had to own it. I wasn’t rude or hurting anyone, so if no one else has anything to say, I’d speak my piece.

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling this was. Hopefully you have some good coping mechanisms in place to help you out. I find yoga breathing really helpful in a pinch. It’ll slow your heart rate and give you time to process what’s going on and what your course of action will be. Hope this helps (even if a bit.)

    • Ethel,

      Are we kind of the same person? It is a process to keep it underwraps. Blogging that day really helped me to unwind my anxiety.

      “In the end I figured I just had to own it. I wasn’t rude or hurting anyone, so if no one else has anything to say, I’d speak my piece.”

      I read your comment earlier today before class but I didn’t have time to reply. Today, I took a page out of your book. I just owned it. And you know what? Nothing bad happened. The sky didn’t fall and I didn’t have an anxiety attack or anything. It was just fine. So thank you for your encouragement.

      I did some yoga (or squat breathing) and that also helped as well. You’re right about it giving you the opportunity to process.

      So again, thanks for your comment. You have been a big help. It’s a pleasure to internet with you. 😀

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